I was trapped in the "healing" Journey

Updated: Mar 11

Was my healing journey an illusion?



Would you agree that nowadays we have more spiritual healing techniques than the USA does weapons…There’s high-quality healing vs the more low-quality side alley healing.


The spiritual healing repertoire is extensive.Somatic healing, crystal healing, psychedelic healing, psychotherapy, fasting, yoga, meditation, breathwork, trauma release, psychic healing, energy healing, chakra healing, hypnosis etc, trust me that’s not even a ¼ of what’s available to the seeker.



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When I first embarked on my spiritual healing journey, I was hoping to finally fix all the wounds and traumas I had gone through. There was desperate yearning in me to be whole again, to feel complete, to let go of the dark psychological suitcase I carried with me everywhere of “not being enough” the weight of the baggage weighed me down like an anchor to Jeff Bezo’s seven hundred million dollar yacht.

I was ready to let it go, I worked with shamans in the Amazon to Indigenous healers in Australia, Yoga, trauma release, somatic healing blah blah the list goes on, no one cares, just get to the point, Hammad.


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What I mean to say is, I learned a lot experiencing these life-changing alternative healing modalities, and by no means am I discouraging them, rather I advocate my viewers to learn as many healing modalities as possible, they can bring you home, become the master of many crafts, you will need this skill in the world that’s unfolding. Just remember you are your greatest healer.


After 7 years, I realised my spiritual healing journey was flawed, something wasn’t right. This incessant need to be healed had me bouncing around like a rabbit from one retreat to another healer, I was a spiritual “whore”.

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There was always some form of healing that needed to be done, like, it would never end. I would always find some sort of problem within me, this perpetual roller-coaster of issues going round and round, this never-ending idea that something is broken in me, that I’m not enough which unconsciously implies healing is needed. My healing journey started to get to a point of inefficiency. I would create certain goals in the hopes that once I reach these goals I can finally prove to myself that I have healed and nothing is wrong with me. That I was finally worthy to give myself the permission to love and accept myself. I would execute "these" goals with sheer grace, at last allowing myself the permission to feel satisfaction, wholeness and love for myself, however, the feelings were evanescent, short-lived, like a premature ejaculation fading into the mist.


Of course, by default, I would go on to then create even higher goals and expectations for myself so I could be worthy to permit myself to feel love again. I confined myself to play by the laws of space and time, meaning I have to move through space which takes time to reach a goal, only then allow myself the permission to feel love for myself, to be honest I was just exhausted chasing these moments. Why can’t I give myself that permission NOW, to feel "love" for myself , then alchemise that love, become that love and use that loves energy towards achieving my goals and what I wish to create. To infuse my life with this "love" rather than waiting for some point in the distant future?


I’m not going to waste time waiting to feel love for myself, what if I never reach my goal, what if a magpie attacks me and I cease to exist. I’ll be laughing at myself from the heavens. Zeus and the bois will egg me


There came a point where my awareness transcended the limiting mental matrix of thought I was shackled in , what if I was never broken, what if there was nothing ever wrong with me? What if at some point in my upbringing I was led to believe I wasn’t good enough, that I’m not a hideous starving shaved street cat, that I’m worthy of abundance, love, joy, happiness all that fluffy stuff.


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Could it be that I believed and created an identity out of that limiting belief system which then went on to animate my thinking patterns, informing my perception, directing my behaviours, moulding my habits and inevitably creating my reality, steering my life towards the direction that constantly on a micro and macro level reaffirms my limiting belief system. Life is my mirror, I look carefully at the people I attract, the situations, nature, animals and I even look at the condition of my possessions as a mirror. listen, watch the answers are in front of you.


Healing beyond space and time

What if all that “healing” was to let go of the attachment of the limiting belief that you're “broken” that you’re not “enough” that you’re not worthy, to consciously choose not to participate in that limiting belief anymore, realising the illusory nature of operating within the psychic matrix that keeps you needing “healing” Let that sink in. Your welcome. You can patreon me later.


The inner dialogue


Even as I write this now, the voices in my head say who are you to write this, how dare you, you still got a lot of work to do son? You’re not ready? …. So you ask me... What do I do when I hear these voices call me? I Ignore them like I ignore my mum's phone calls, I hold my phone and watch the phone ring out like I was forced to watch a goat bled out during Eid.


Because I dam well know she wants to give me a list of 30 billion jobs to complete within 12 minutes.


You're healed now, you're complete now...... if you adopted this empowering belief system how would your life look ?

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All the best! Ham



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